Porcelain
by Freya82
Summary: Aftermath of 'Greater Love'. Can Harry and Nikki build something from the ashes of the tragedy of Leo's death?
1. Chapter 1

I can only speak for those that do not know me,  
I can only write the words that would not show me,  
I will never quite explain what I've been doin'.

I am you and you are me but we are nothing,  
My heart broke and rose to go but I'm not goin',  
'Cause I loved you long before the day I told ya.

"Safety Rope" by Mick Flannery

"Hello?"  
She heard him clear his throat. She imagined him wiping his eyes. Checking his watch.  
"Hello?"  
"Leo's dead"  
Her voice did not sound like her own. It was a strange. It sounded far away to her. She was matter of fact. Numb.  
"Nikki?...Nikki?!"  
Shock. Concern. Anguish. Stomach sickening dread.  
"Nikki what's happened? Where are you?"  
"Kabul. It was a suicide bomber. Leo saved everyone. He knew what Dan was going to do"  
"Kabul? Kabul? Afghanistan? Nikki, Nikki you are not telling me you are in Af-fucking-ganistan".  
"I'm just about to board a Cessna with Leo's body".  
She recognised the plane as she walked across the baking taramac and was transported back to a mild spring day in England. The smell of fresh green grass in her nose. The musky scent of Harry's aftershave. Engine oil and happiness.  
How had this become her life.  
"Jesus Christ Nikki what on earth were you doing there?!, are you alright?"  
She recounted the story. Almost clinically. Like a post mortem report.  
Harry was breathing heavily on the receiver. She heard him sobbing.  
"I'm so sorry Nikki, I'm so sorry. I'm going to go straight to the airport. I'll get the first flight I can back to London. Jesus I can't believe this. I just can't believe it. Are you sure you're okay? Know that I'll be thinking of you every second until I see you".  
Nikki was unable to respond for several long moments. Harry thought the call had dropped.  
"Ok" he heard her whisper eventually.  
"Shit, I thought we lost the connection" he said hurriedly.  
Silence.  
The silence was deafening. His ears ached. Guilt and horror bit at his insides.  
"I'll see you soon Nikki I promise...take care".  
Harry dropped the phone and fell to his knees. Sirens wailed obnoxiously outside. A yellow cab driver rested his elbow on a car horn.  
Harry Cunningham vomited on his new shag pile carpet.  
How had this become his life.


	2. Chapter 2

Fate had other ideas for Harry Cunningham he realised quickly as he stared in disbelief at an overhead monitor in JFK. Cancelled. Cancelled cancelled. Cancelled. No. No. No. No.  
The north east coast of the United States was currently submerged under three feet of snow.  
Harry shifted from one foot to the other, his eyes never left the monitor, as if by glaring intensely he could somehow force the situation to change.  
He returned to the British Airways desk for the fourteenth time in last twenty minutes. The harassed looking woman behind the desk gave him a resigned look, not entirely without sympathy but she was quickly loosing patience. She took in his red rimmed eyes, unshaven jaw and crumpled clothes. Grief rolled off him in waves.  
"I'm sorry sir-" she began and he rested his forehead in desperation on the desk.  
Nikki would never forgive him for this. For everything.  
He had no idea how to reach her now, she had called from a satellite phone at a British army base in Kabul. She was most likely in the air now. He envisioned her face. Her loneliness as she sat with Leo's body.  
"For fuck sake do something!" Harry screamed at the unfortunate woman behind the British Airways desk.  
He very quickly felt a burly hand twist it's fingers around his arm. A surly looking, overweight uniform gripped him authoritatively.  
"Hey relax buddy, settle down"  
Harry's fist immediately connected with his jaw. Seconds later he felt a knee pressing between his shoulder blades as his arms were pulled behind his back. He felt the metal handcuffs cool on his skin and heard the click of his freedom evaporating.  
He pressed his forehead against the dirty tiled floor and sobbed like a child.


	3. Chapter 3

Nikki returned from the bathroom and melted into the crowd of the Queens Chair. She nodded and smiled politely as she fought her way back to their table.  
"Thank you" she answered warmly to all the well wishers "Thanks so much for coming".  
Nikki saw a pleasant looking middle aged woman sat in the seat Nikki had vacated moments before. She had rested a hand on Jack's forearm and was nodding slowly in response to whatever Jack was saying.  
Nikki heard a soft Northern Irish accent as she approached.  
Ah. Jack's Mum most likely.  
The older woman stood up and made to move when she saw Nikki approach.  
"So sorry, I borrowed your seat for a moment" she said warmly before extending a hand to Nikki.  
"Dr. Alexander it's lovely to meet you, albeit I wish it could be under better circumstances".  
Nikki expected Jack to stand and introduce his mother but he didn't budge.  
"You must be Mrs. Hodgkins, lovely to meet you, thanks so much for coming" Nikki said and shook the woman's hand.  
The assumed Mrs. Hodgkins looked slightly embarrassed and shook her head.  
"Sorry I should have introduced myself properly, I'm Sam Ryan. I used to work with Leo and Harry...many moons ago now".  
Nikki gaped "Professor Ryan?...my God I'm so sorry...It's an honour. You were a legend around the Lyell centre...".  
Nikki stood and appraised the woman before her. Before she had arrived it was Sam, Leo and Harry...it dawned on Nikki for the first time that she couldn't lay claim to Leo more than Harry at all. Harry shared a longer history. One that didn't feature her at all. One that involved another family of sorts.  
She smiled in spite of herself. Sam Ryan was everything Nikki imagined she would be. Warm, determined, friendly. She had a motherly quality to her. Not unlike the fatherly presence Leo often made her feel. Poor Harry. He must have always felt like the naughty child with both Sam and Leo as mentors. Nikki felt a pang of regret that she hadn't shared in this part of the Lyell's legacy.  
Jack had stood to allow Sam sit and headed for the bar. Clarissa rolled after him, offering to help with the drinks.  
"How are you holding up?" Sam probed gently now that she and Nikki were alone.  
They already had an ease and an intimacy to their relationship even their shared profession, their shared 'family'.  
Nikki swallowed and turned a beer mat over in her slender fingers.  
"I'm functioning I suppose...but I feel like I'm on autopilot. Like my body's a robot and someone's operating the control's somewhere".  
"You need to take some time Nikki" Sam paused for a moment causing Nikki to look up from the table and lock eyes with the older woman.  
"I've already spoken to the Dean. I'll cover things in the lab for as long as you need".  
Nikki narrowed her eyes "Aren't you retired?...Don't you live back in Ireland now?"  
"Technically yes but Leo and George Leeman had great regard for each other. He called the Home Office and pulled a few strings to allow me certification for as long as the university needs me. I moved home to be with my son, he's big and bold now, is married with a little one of his own now...they won't miss me for a few weeks. Besides I've missed London".  
Nikki's shoulders relaxed and she genuinely smiled for the first time since Leo passed.  
"How did you find out about Leo?" she asked softly, returning her gaze to the beer mat.  
"Harry called haven't spoken to him have you?" Sam asked, taking in the frown that creased Nikki's brow when she mentioned Harry's name.  
"No. He promised me he'd be here. I can't believe he missed Leo's funeral. That's low...even for him...sorry...Harry has a history of letting me down".  
Sam sat back in the seat, realisation settling over her. She scanned Nikki's features. Nikki Alexander was beautiful...too beautiful...of course...of course Harry Cunningham the incorrigible cad had broken her heart at some point.  
"You don't know do you?" Sam questioned, leaning forward again.  
Nikki sat up straighter.  
"Harry only had one phone call. He begged me to come and look after...things. He couldn't leave New York".  
"What do you mean one phone call?"  
Sam's voice lowered "He was arrested at JFK. You haven't seen the news have you? Most of the airports on the east coast have cancelled all flights. They are being hammered by snow storms over there...all flights to the UK were cancelled. I suppose Harry was...frustrated when he couldn't get home".  
Nikki's jaw dropped. Of course she hadn't watched the news. The opening headlines for the past few days had all involved the tragedy in Afghanistan.  
"What was he arrested for? How are they still holding him? Do you have a contact number I can reach him at? Who isholding him? Homeland Security? the NYPD? the FBI?"  
"Whose been arrested?" Jack asked as he placed three gin and tonics on the table before taking a sip of his pint.  
"Harry Cunningham" Sam answered as Nikki stared into space, paralysed into inaction.  
"Whose Harry Cunningham?" Clarissa asked as she reached over for her drink.


	4. Chapter 4

Two nights after Leo's funeral Nikki fell into a deep, dreamless sleep brought about by pure exhaustion. She no longer felt she was spiralling out of control. The presence of Sam Ryan had anchored her somewhat. Sam had fallen into her old role with remarkable ease. She and Jack had immediately developed a harmonious relationship. They had an easy banter no doubt due to their shared heritage and he idolised her. Like he had Leo. Nikki later discovered he had kept buying poor Sam drink so she couldn't leave the pub after Leo's funeral so he could pick her brain on old cases he had studied. That's how Jack was coping. Jack was young. He hadn't known Leo very long. He was used to violence. Afghanistan hadn't marred him the way it had Nikki. Having Sam here, someone who had been at one time close to both Leo and Harry soothed her. It was like discovering a long lost relative. Plus the fact she was a woman with a demeanour and mind so like herself made Nikki form an instant bond.

She awoke the following morning feeling happy for a few moments; before the horror of the past week came rushing back to her. Now she felt nothing.. She had always been tough and suffered the invariable slings and arrows down through her life without her faith inhumanity being absolutely destroyed. Nikki Alexander had always seen the goodness. Followed the light through absolute darkness. Alone. It wasn't until she met Harry or rather Harry's sudden exit from her life that she realised how alone she truly was. But she had had Leo.

Why had everyone she had ever cared about disappeared from her life?

Most people, the lucky people had their parents until their elder years. Most people, lucky people met someone they loved, dated them, married them, had children with them and played with grandchildren with them.

She thought of her cynicism at the Christening only three weeks ago. She had scoffed at the 'apparent' happiness of little Molly's parents. All of it at the time had a hollow ring to it, a charade...but what did she know? What did she know of familial happiness. Maybe Molly's parents were doing the very best with what they had. Maybe it was okay to be 'happy enough'.

Wasn't being 'happy enough' better than being completely unhappy? That thought pushed another to the forefront of her mind and an imagine of her and James Embelton downing tequila flashed into her mind. This image then was quickly replaced by another. Her and Harry Cunningham staring into each other's eyes from across her living room. A bottle of wine and bunch of fresh flowers between them.

Tears suddenly ran unbidden down her face. She had thought she was all cried out at this stage. Not so apparently. She swallowed and sat up in the bed, banishing her tears when she acknowledged they were not for Leo but for herself and Nicola Alexander didn't do self pity.

She swung her legs out of the bed and stared at her feet. Something wasn't right...

Usually she would slip her feet straight into her slippers and wrap her dressing gown tightly around her. Nikki felt the cold badly not least in the past few weeks. And months. But she felt warm. In the stillness of the morning she could hear the gas boiler running. She distinctly remembered turning it off at seven last night as she crawled into bed and stuck to her electric blanket.

A bolt of fear struck through her before logic had a chance to pipe up. An intruder?

"Yes Nikki" she scolded herself "An intruder who is lying up on the couch warming himself up, drinking your tea?".

Her heart began pounding. She could sense him. She was already envisioning said intruder doing just that. He had complained to her several times in his emails to her about the tea in America or 'monkey piss' as he referred to it.

Nikki rose slowly, her stomach flipping, her legs suddenly like jelly. She reached for her dressing gown and wrapped it tightly around her. She padded down the hallway, BBC breakfast news could be barely heard from her living room. She smelled the toast and him. Notes of his aftershave echoed in the air of her hall and tears spilled silently again. Suddenly it was seven months ago and they were living together again. Feelings of love and nostalgia were quickly replaced with rage and abandonment. She had actually believed they had been moving towards 'something'. Finally. Something real. His leaving had been effortless.

Nikki stood outside her living room door, trembling.


	5. Chapter 5

Nikki gripped the door frame and tried to steel herself for their reunion. She forced a shaky breath into her lungs and ran over all the things she had planned to say, to scream at him which she had rehearsed in the lonely weeks after his departure. But her anger was fizzling, fading into something altogether more destructive. Into nothingness. She pushed the door open but there was no sign of him. The cheery weather presenter on her tv announced snow showers and freezing temperatures. Nikki then spotted the pair of size elevens on the floor. She recognised his shoes. But no Harry. She walked tentatively into the centre of the room. He lay fast asleep on her couch as if he had never left. Her light blue fleese blanket thrown over him. A weeks worth of stubble on sunken cheeks. Closed eyes that had taken on a bruised quality. Hair longer than she would have allowed had he still lived in London. Harry looked as bad as she felt. Nikki studied him and barely breathed. She struggled with an urge to beat him and an urge to collapse on top of him. Silent tears began to hotly stream down her face and she began to shake violently until overcome her body released a strangled gasp. His eyelids fluttered open for a brief moment and he looked at her before his eyes closed again. Almost in the same instant his eyes shot open and he sat bolt upright.  
"Sorry I thought I was dreaming" he croaked  
"Am I? she answered, her voice barely above a whisper and riddled with pain.  
He stared at the floor unable to look at her for a long time. Then finally.  
"I have no words Nikki. Except I'm sorry. But sorry doesn't seem at all adequate. No words I have can convey to you how I feel. I wish I had a time machine I really do. You've no idea...this is all such a mess. I can't believe I wasn't here to say goodbye. Ill never forgive myself for that...I know you wont forgive me either and I'd never ask you to..."  
"Which time Harry?" she began, her voice low and controlled. "When Leo died or when you disappeared from your leaving do?".  
Tears fell from his red rimmed eyes before he buried his face in his hands.  
"How? How on earth was I ever going to say goodbye to you? What would I have said? Bye Nikki the last few years have even great but also heartbreakingly disappointing. Have a nice life. Ill think about you everyday so much so that you'll consume my every waking moment and ill threaten to jump on the first plane back very morning".  
Quivering lips and more and more tears and sobs were her response and he rose and stood inches away from her.  
"And Leo...Nikki I tried. I tried so hard to get out of New York to be here but all the flights were cancelled. I had no hope of getting here to make it and then I got into a spot of bother...you know I wouldn't have missed Leo's funeral if I could have helped it. You know that. You know me."

"I thought I did. One time I thought I knew you inside out...heart and soul".  
"You never quite did though, and that is the single biggest regret of my life. That you never fully knew my heart. That I was too cowardly. Too inept".  
He sat back on her couch and buried his face in his hands again.  
"What happened to you at the airport? How did you get yourself arrested?" She asked sitting beside him and pulling the fleese around her shoulders.  
"I punched a security guard in the face" he answered without looking up.  
"That will do it I suppose" Nikki whispered dryly.  
Even in their misery, even after their painful estrangement elements of 'them' were forcing their way to the surface.  
"I've lost my visa. I escaped a conviction for assault only because of my $500 an hour brief...under the condition that I leave the US immediately. Ithaca fired me. I brought the good name of the university into disrepute apparently...Leo would be so proud".  
Nikki sat in stunned silence.  
"Harry..." She whispered eventually, the shock and dismay at the horror of it all sinking in.  
"Look I don't care. I don't care. I don't care about the professorship. I don't care about America. The only thing I care about is right here, the only person I care about is here. Nikki I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. I've been a terrible friend. And a terrible person for only being a terrible 'friend'. I denied us both so much".  
It was Nikki's turn to bury her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook as sobs racked her small frame.  
"I can't believe he's gone Harry. I can't believe we'll never see Leo again" she cried.  
Harry pulled her quickly into a tight hug against his chest and braced himself for her protestations. For even a hand across his face. But no resistance came. She settled against his body easily and gripped his jumper tightly in her hands. He enclosed his arms around her protectively. A perfect fit as always he thought bitterly and wept with her.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry's heart beat sounded its reassurance against her ear. He was really here. Solid and warm against her body. He gripped her tightly and in a shock movement slid both hands up her bare back under her white tank top. He pulled her against him more tightly, so much so that every inhalation was almost painful. But an exquisite pain. Harry was shaking and she suddenly registered how cold he was. Grief.  
Grief was consuming him. Grief for Leo. Grief for her. Grief for his career. He buried his face in her neck and she felt hot tears wet her skin. Nikki let her hands rest on the sides of his face and kissed his forehead.  
"I'm so sorry" he whispered, his breath tickling her skin.  
A hand moved into his hair and she grabbed a handful tightly, for a moment she believed she was going to pull his head out of the crook of her neck and strike him. She was still furious with him. She didn't move but maintained her grip on him for what felt like hours. Harry eventually sat back and her grip slackened and released.  
He stood.  
"I feel like shit"  
"You look like it"  
"Can I use your shower?"  
She nods and whispers a sentence that cuts his heart in two.  
"I've got a spare bedroom"  
He nods once sadly and makes his way towards the bathroom. Harry undressed slowly and stepped into the bath and turned on the shower. He sought out some shower gel to use when his eyes fell on a bottle of body wash for men. For a moment he thought it must be his, a bottle that he had left seven months ago. But it wasn't a brand he ever used. Panic surged through him in an instant.  
Nikki was with someone. Where was he? He had obviously been close enough to her that he had stayed over, used her bathroom...made love to her...  
Harry squeezed his eyes shut .  
What? She was to join a nunnery upon your departure?  
He felt suddenly ashamed of his arrogance, presumptions and jealously. He showered quickly, uncomfortable with the fact that this unknown, unsuitable or otherwise had once occupied this space and may do so shortly for all he knew. He ambled into Nikki's spare bedroom and sat on the bed, holding the towel tightly against his waist. He ran a ran over his jaw. In his hasty packing he had neglected his toiletries. He badly needed a shave. A light rapping on the door. Another signal in the change in their relationship. She had never once knocked during those blissful few days that he had stayed with her, she had often found him in various states of undress during that time. Both of them driving each other to distraction with their silly games and sexual innuendo. It all seemed very childish now. Immature. Wasteful. Careless. Unappreciative. Outrageous even. Distance and time had given him perspective and he was faced with a rather erotic memory of throwing her against the fridge in her kitchen for stealing some of his chips. Nikki's voice cut through this memory and he instantly flashed to another. "It's practically foreplay". She had been outraged by Leo's behaviour with that woman from forensics and yet it only demonstrated how utterly blind they themselves were.  
"Come in" he answered to the knocking.  
Nikki opened the door but remained on the threshold. She extended arm to him which held a small wicker basket.  
"You left some bits and pieces here...from...last time you stayed"  
He stood and felt her eyes fall on his naked torso for a moment. As if suddenly embarrassed she concentrated her eyes on the basket which he quickly took.  
"I used some shower gel in the bathroom. Hope you don't mind?" He said pointedly.  
The smell registered suddenly and she almost recoiled. Harry smelled like James. That smell had lingered in her bed for days.  
She knew immediately what he was asking.  
"It's fine. I meant to throw that out".  
"Oh" Harry answered hoping she didn't catch the intonation of relief in his voice. He waited for her to explain but she turned and took the door handle to leave. The smell had flipped her stomach making her nauseous. She looked back at Harry for the briefest of moments. He towered over her imposingly, his chiselled torso glistening in the soft light of the bedside table. The smell did not suit him and she longed for the comfort of the distinct citrus and sandalwood notes of his usual aftershave. The one she had always bought him.  
"I'll let you finish getting dressed" she said and left.  
Nikki closed the door and let her back settle against it. She released a breath. She had spent so much of her time around Harry in the past she had failed to realise just how unique their chemistry was. Sure put two brilliant minds in the same room and there's bound to be a bit of chemistry, she had had that with James but Christ...she was conscious of her pupils dilating around Harry. They were evenly matched in every way, in intellect, in wit, in humour, in the sexual...he was the yin to her yang, the perfect masculine to her delicate feminine. The sledgehammer to her porcelain.


	7. Chapter 7

Harry stood by the closed door holding his breath. He was rooted to the spot like there was a magnet on the other side holding him in place, threatening to burst him through the wood, breaking the door down. He opened it instinctively and Nikki almost toppled on top of him.  
Reflexes finely honed from years of summers in tennis camp suddenly came into play and he caught her. One hand gripping her hip, the other her forearm. He was again transported into her kitchen and he was throwing her against the fridge, his grip tight on her wrist, her eyes daring him to close the very short space between them.  
He pulled her again into a tight embrace.  
"I've missed you" he said fiercely into her hair.  
Nikki placed her palms flat on his bare chest and rested her forehead on his collarbone.  
Harry suddenly became very conscious that he was only wearing a towel, on which the knot was beginning to loosen and if he didn't move away from her quickly she would soon realise just how much he had missed her.  
"We will have to talk at some point" he began "but there are some things I need to see to, first and foremost...Nikki I want to visit Leo's grave...even saying the words 'Leo's grave' seem appalling and unreal to me still...will you come with me?...please?".  
He held her away from him and willed her to look at him. Her beautiful brown orbs swam with tears but she nodded. Without warning Harry dropped a kiss to her lips. Quick and chase. Almost brotherly. Almost.  
"Thank you" he said and moved away from her, his hand finding the knot on the towel.  
"There's something else..." He started as she made for the door again. Nikki stopped and turned.  
"Could you make me a cup of tea?"  
"What did your last slave die of Harry?" She quipped incredulously.  
He raised his eyebrows "Sexual exhaustion?".  
She bit her lip and fought it as best she could but against her will a deep, throaty giggle found its way out of her mouth.  
Harry beamed. God he had missed that sound.  
When he heard her rummaging around in the kitchen, Harry sat on the bed and fingered the items in the wicker basket.  
"Disposable razor. Excellent. Pair of black socks. Good. Pair of white boxers...interesting. Almost empty bottle of Clinique Happy for men...was wondering where that got to...was definitely more in the bottle last time...hope whoever she was shagging didn't use it...but then he'd smell of me and she'd think of me...maybe not...unopened three pack of Durex...knew shouldn't have left them in bedside table...what must she think of me...that I was planning on banging a few birds in her bed...that I was planning on shagging her...hmmmm...well the thought had crossed my mind more than once back then".  
Harry began wondering why she hadn't used the condoms with the mystery man. Maybe she didn't like the type. Ultra-thin. Never been any complaints from anyone else he mused as he began dressing.  
Harry shrugged into a pair of blue jeans and a navy jumper. He shaved in the bathroom and sprayed two squirts of his aftershave on his neck and almost felt like his old self. It was so good to be home, even under the horrific circumstances. He all of sudden was overcome with a massive craving for bangers and mash. Harry had never adjusted to the American food and was plagued by cravings for sausages, chrisps, tea and cadburys chocolate on an almost daily basis. Even bread and milk tasted weird over there.  
Nikki was sitting on the couch sipping her tea when he entered the living room. Harry picked the mug she had left him off the coffee table and sat across from her on the floor. Old positions. Old battlegrounds he thought and smiled. She caught the smile and matched it. She had been thinking the same thing. God she had missed this. The intimacy of silent communication. The connection. The easiness.  
"Brilliant! Biscuits!" He said genuinely ecstatic as he picked up a chocolate hobnob from a plate she had left beside his mug "and chocolate Kimberlys!".  
"You're not missing your 'cookies' then?" She jabbed playfully.  
"No they're shit" he answered with his mouth full and she giggled. Freely this time.  
He stared at her, smiling.  
She sipped her tea and returned the stare for several long moments. Suddenly she stood and placed her mug on the coffee table and without warning padded out of the room. Harry stared after her. A few moments later she returned carrying a bowl full of water and his razor.  
"You missed a few bits" she said and kneeled before him.  
Harry didn't answer and allowed her tilt his head back, exposing his neck.  
"Are you going to cut my throat at last?" He whispered against her face.  
"Maybe I might...I most certainly will if you keep talking" she whispered back as she dragged the razor slowly against his skin.  
His eyes never left her face as he allowed her shave him. His mouth dry and he was scolded for evey swallow. His heart thumped painfully in his chest. She kept her free hand on his jaw, all the while turning his face slowly in whichever way she chose. Her expression grave. Her eyes so so full of sadness. Nikki rinsed the razor in the soapy water and sat back.  
"There you are" she whispered and repossessed her tea.  
"I must have looked like a tramp over there"  
"No I bet you were going for the rugged English academic look. I'm surprised you haven't returned wearing glasses or at least wearing a tweed jacket with leather patches on the sleeves".  
"Do you remember that episode of The Simpsons we watched?" Harry said laughing "the one where Homer got a job teaching marriage counselling and he put tweed patches on the leather jacket?!". Harry was laughing heartily and Nikki spewed tea out of her nose.  
"Now that is very attractive" he told her which caused her to laugh even harder. When their mirth subsided she quickly realised she hadn't laughed like that since he left.  
"You're a bastard Harry and I hate you" she said gravely.


	8. Chapter 8

"Maybe I shouldn't stay here, it mightn't be the best idea right now" Harry said quietly and rose to his feet as she began sobbing again.  
"That's it Harry run away! Becoming too emotionally uncomfortable for you!? Then run away! It's what you do best after all!...you don't know how to handle real emotion do you?! Do you?! Look at me for God sake! Can't? Oh maybe it's all just too boring for you Harry, this real life stuff. Or maybe it's beneath you, the eminent Professor Cunningham. No I suspect boring. As boring as a semi d in the suburbs with 2.4 kids eh Harry" she screamed and threw the now empty mug in his direction.  
It smashed loudly against the wall beside him. He was biting his lip, his chest heaving in fury, his legs begging to make their way towards the door. Harry's chest tightened and he fought with every fibre in his being to control his temper.  
She delighted in the clenching of his jaw and strode towards him.  
"Now there's one emotion we are comfortable with Harry...go on explode! Vent! Rage at me! Fuck it you can even hit me if you want at least it would be honest!".  
Harry began screaming in her face "Do you seriously believe I'd hit you?! Is that what you think?!"  
"No it's what you do Harry! It's what you do!" She screamed back, her breath hot on his face and she continued "Why was I never good enough for you?! Why was I never enough?!".  
Nikki shoved against him and he rocked back on his feet, tears rolling down his face, his anger fading into despairing sadness.  
"You don't know how utterly wrong you are, do you know that". His tone was measured. Even.  
"You have it all completely wrong Nikki, completely wrong".  
"Then enlighten me please!" She threw her hands in the air.  
"Eight years Nikki! Eight years! You were the reason I turned down that job offer years ago because I thought we had a future together but eight years later and they offer me a professorship and guess what we hadn't moved on one inch"  
"And that was my fault? Harry you've always been very clear about who and what you've wanted! If an attractive woman even looked in your direction you were in bed with her in an instant! You got off with someone at a christaning for Christ sake. With the mother of the baby!. You never gave any indication you ever wanted me..."  
Harry snorted in disbelief "Nikki are you serious?, no indication?, for an intelligent woman you can be really dense sometimes".  
"Why did you never do anything then?"  
"Why didn't you? You always made it pretty clear when you liked someone too.."  
"Oh yes that's what girls like me do Harry, they throw themselves at guys like you"  
"We are not getting anywhere are we?" He said defeated.  
A long silence defended upon them. She sitting at the kitchen table. Him leaning against the breakfast bar.  
"Can we call a truce? I've missed you so much Nikki...can we call a truce until I visit Leo. Then I promise...we'll trash this...us out...but right now...right now I need my best friend. I'm not runnings away. I'm not going anywhere".  
Tears splashed on the wood of the table. Nikki felt truly exhausted. Emotionally drained. She had quickly ran out of fight.  
"Yes" she sniffed then added "Oh Harry! Harry I've missed you too!".  
He was at her side in three quick strides and he pulled her head against his waist, tangling his fingers in her golden curls. They stayed like that until Harry's back became sore from leaning over and he gently pulled himself free of her embrace. He wiped back the tear tracks from her face and gently tugged her to her feet.  
"Come on let's get you ready. I want to stop by the lab and see Sam before we head to Sheffield".  
Nikki nodded and smiled at him "I'll have a quick shower and we'll be out of here in twenty"  
"I'll believe it when I see it" he called after her as she made her way down the hall.


	9. Chapter 9

Twenty five minutes later she reappeared in the living room clad in skinny jeans, heels and printed blouse. Golden curls fell softly on her shoulders. Harry took in her appearance. She was as beautiful as ever but painfully thin. He had lost a lot of weight himself and was tightening his belt further along the loops with every passing week, not usually the predicament of someone newly arrived in the calorie capital of the world.  
She wasn't oblivious to his staring and self consiously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  
He rose from the couch and shrugged into his leather jacket as she began buttoning her coat.  
"I've missed looking at you" he said simply as she fished her car keys out of her handbag.  
She felt the flush rise from her neck up her cheeks "Ditto" she whispered and pointedly looked him over.  
He smiled and placed a hand on the small of her back as they headed for the front door.  
"Nikki?"  
"Yes?"  
"Now that you're suitably buttered up...can I?...that is I want to ask you..."  
She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him "Spit it out Harry"  
He placed his hand over hers "Can I drive?" he asked excitedly and pried the keys from her fingers before she could protest.  
He happily bounded down the driveway and sat into the drivers seat, quickly adjusting the seat position forward and fiddling with the mirrors.  
She sat into the passenger seat of her car and observed him. Harry put the car into reverse and swung expertly if not a little too quickly out onto the road. He was positively glowing.  
"Not near as many horses as my old girl but she'll do for the moment" he said.  
"She has plenty of horses" Nikki retorted in defence.  
"I'll coax a few more out of her" he said caressing the steering wheel as they headed in the direction of the university campus.  
"Well be gentle, she's a bit temperamental these days"  
"I can feel it. She needs a good tune up"  
"It's been a while alright"  
"I'll take care of it" he said softly and she didn't answer but turned her head towards the window so he couldn't see the ghost of a smile that graced her face.  
They travelled the rest of the way in easy silence until Harry pulled into the carpark of the Thomas Lyell Centre. He pulled into a free space beside the bays reserved for Pathology. An unfamiliar car with Northern Irish registration plates occupied the Professor spot. Harry inhaled deeply and he heard Nikki swallow. Without looking at her he groped for her hand and squeezed it tightly.  
"This is so surreal" he whispered and he saw her nod from the corner of his eye.  
Harry killed the engine and they sat in silence staring at the building.  
After several long moments Nikki unbuckled her seat belt and blew out a long breath.  
He followed her lead and they stepped into a gust of bitter cold wind. Snow began swirling around their faces and they walked quickly towards the main doors, Nikki slipping her hand into Harry's. She let go to swipe her ID card and looked up when Harry pulled back the door, feeling someone watching her from above.  
Jack's broad figure was framed in the window and she saw him raise his hand to wave.  
Jack turned to Clarissa who was wriggling her eyebrows at him impatiently.  
"Well?"  
"Just as I suspected" Jack answered and flopped into the chair, rolling a pencil between his fingers.  
"Tall, dark and handsome?" Clarissa probed and Jack narrowed his eyes.  
"Well he's not that tall...and I can't really judge on his looks..."  
"But you know a threat when you see one right?" Clarissa pressed and Jack released a resigned sigh.  
"Mmmmmmm".  
Harry followed Nikki into the office, he struggled with an uncomfortable cold feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was so odd being back. With two new faces staring at him with undisguised curiousity and one very old familiar face staring warmly at him from behind the glass in Leo's Office, once her office and now maybe her office again.  
Sam moved quickly from behind the desk and embraced Harry warmly.  
"Well hello Professor, I knew you'd make it eventually. It's so good to see you Harry. My little protege is all grown up. I'm so sorry we have to be reunited under these circumstances though, its truely shocking".  
Harry held Sam for a long time and fought to keep his emotions in check. Tears pricked at Nikki's eyes as she observed them and she looked down at her shoes, very aware that Jack and Clarissa were intrigued by their strange, little family reunion.  
Harry eventually released Sam. Jack had stood and stuck his hand out to Harry.  
"Jack Hodgkins, nice to meet you mate"  
"Hello Jack, you have my old desk I see and I hope she's treating you okay"  
"Me or your desk" Nikki quipped and stepped towards him. Harry turned and raised his eyebrows.  
"Oh so you finally acknowledge that it was my desk"  
"I could never understand why you were so possessive of it"  
"I could never understand why you were" he retorted.  
"This explains everything" Clarissa whispered to Jack, grinning like a chesire cat before adding "and he is devine, I could spread him on a cracker, no wonder she's been moping. Look at the smile on her face".  
And so Jack did. He very much noticed the grin on her face, the light in her eyes. He didn't recognise this new, confident...sexy Nikki. Well he always aware of her sex appeal but now she was practically oozing it. He also noticed how her eyes never left Harry Cunningham's face for fear of him disappearing during a blink.  
Harry and Clarissa were now getting acquainted and Jack felt a small stab of jealousy. All the women in the room appeared to be hypnotised by this fella.  
"How are things Sam?, how's the work load?, do you need a hand?" Nikki asked the older woman while Harry got to know the two newbies.  
"It's fine and no I most certainly do not need a hand. Don't be worrying yourself. You need to be taking some time out. Don't be worrying about this place. It won't fall apart" Sam said warmly. She was genuinely concerned about Nikki. She had taken an instant liking to her, she reminded her so much of her younger self. A younger self who allowed the profession become all consuming often to the detriment of her personal life. Being reunited with her son had been the best thing that ever happened to her. It made her see it was no crime to put one's self first for a change. To be allowed have a life. To be allowed some happiness. The crackling tension between Harry and Nikki had not gone unnoticed by Sam either. They obviously had a history. Poor Leo, sandwiched between the two of them. They must have driven him demented.


	10. Chapter 10

It was a little after ten when Harry pulled Nikki's car onto the M1 and they steeled themselves for the three hour drive to Sheffield, both suddenly realising in a St. Paul on the road to Damascus type moment that they would be enconsed together with no escape with nothing but motorway before them.  
"Sam is lovely" Nikki started, breaking the silence.  
"You two been bonding?" Harry smiled "Yes, she is lovely and an excellent pathologist, I couldn't have had a better teacher".  
"Teachers..." Nikki corrected gently and Harry smiled and nodded sadly.  
"She mustn't be very impressed with me either...getting nicked...getting the sack".  
"I think you need to be a little less hard on yourself...and give Sam some credit"  
"You are being very forgiving for some one who was holding a razor to my throat earlier"  
"Don't get too cocky just yet, I'm still grappling with intermittent urges to throttle you" she whispered and the tone of her voice told him just how much she wasn't joking.  
Silence again. Harry twisted the knob on the radio and settled on BBC2. The car hummed along the motorway. Harry settled in the left hand lane and began thinking. Nikki turned her head away and began sleeping.  
Twenty minutes later Harry's attention was pulled away from the road by her low mutterings.  
"What was that?" He asked throwing her a glance and quickly realising she was still sleeping.  
A frown creased her beautiful face and a hand formed a fist against her seat belt. She began moaning, a low sound which filled Harry full of dread.  
"Nikki" he said firmly to which she released a strangled scream "Leo! Jack No! Let me go!".  
She jerked forward and the seatbelt went taut against her body.  
Harry pulled smoothly into the hard shoulder and hit the hazard lights. The indicators ticked loudly in the horrible silence that followed.  
She was holding her breath he realised and unbuckled his seat belt.  
Nikki stared directly ahead. The car shook as an artic flew by them. She swallowed a cry that was threatening its way up her throat. She felt like she was suffocating. She cracked the window and put a hand over her eyes, the weight of Harry's stare becoming unbearable. She chanced a glance trough cracked fingers.  
His upper lip twitched. She remembered this as the first sign his temper was flaring.  
He gripped the steering wheel. The silence continued for what seemed like an age.  
"I'm ok" Nikki managed eventually, sitting up and closing the window as sleet wet her shoulder.  
"You're not" Harry said quietly, staring at the steering wheel.  
"I had them too. For a long time. After Budapest. I still get them. Only occasionally but...still...they still come".  
"Sam thinks I should speak to someone"  
"Have you?"  
He shook his head "Doctors make the worst patients right?"  
Nikki took her hand away from her face.  
"That time machine you've been wishing for-"  
"Nikki don't" he said more harshly than intended and his forehead found the steering wheel.  
Blue LED lights flashed in the rear view mirror and Harry looked up.  
"Great" he muttered as he rolled down the window to the traffic cop.  
"Hello folks, all ok? You having engine trouble?" The copper asked without a hint of joviality as he took in Harry's furious expression and Nikki's tear stained face.  
"You ok love?" He asked Nikki and she nodded hurriedly, wiping her face as Harry refastened his seatbelt.  
"You sure?" the copper pressed and looked accusingly at Harry again who rolled his eyes in frustration. He hadnt much luck with authority figures these days.  
Nikki cleared her throat "Fine honestly. We are just heading to Sheffield from London to pay our respects to someone very close to us...he was killed in Afganistan".  
The officers demeanour changed instantly and he nodded sympathetically.  
"Hmm you should have taken the M40...look im sorry, my brother is a royal marine...he's lost a lost of mates...listen maybe you should pull in to the service area up there and grab a quick cuppa...it's not a good idea driving when you're...a bit charged up".  
Harry forced a closed mouth smile at older man who was fast approaching his thirty. At least you could have a half human conversation with the law here.  
"I think I will. Thanks" Harry said politely and rose the window as the copper nodded and ambled back to his patrol car.  
"Told you we should have taken the M40"  
Nikki smiled at him and he lifted her hand and pressed it to his cheek.  
"You're right. As always. At least that hasn't changed"  
"We have changed haven't we?" She asked as he released her hand.  
Harry leaned towards her and cupped her cheek and began squinting in exaggeration.  
"I see her in there...just at the back...I can make her out...just about...take a left at the murderous glance...straight on until you pass the homicidal glare...".  
She swallowed under his rough fingers. Years of alcohol scrub and scalding hot water had given him farmers hands. Her skin had always felt hot under his touch. At least that hadn't changed. She felt her mood lighten slightly and she sighed. Nikki was very quickly fading under emotional exhaustion..She relaxed into the temporary reprieve and allowed herself the smile and the flutter, only too aware that no doubt in a few hours, maybe a few minutes she would again hate him with all her being.


	11. Chapter 11

Nikki leaned into Harry's touch and closed her eyes as he smoothed his thumb across her cheek.  
"I'm so sorry" he whispered  
She kept her eyes closed "Youre becoming a little repetitive"  
"I'm devastated. This...all this...Nikki Ill never get over it. The guilt..."  
"Stop it. You don't get the self indulgence of guilt. I need you too much for that" she said softly with no anger.  
The tip of his thumb grazed her lips which parted ever so slightly and he pressed the tip of his thumb against the soft wetness of her lower lip.  
They consumed each other in a stare and she gently bit him. Her eyes had taken on a wild, desperate quality. Harry recognised the grief in her actions before desire took a strong foothold and he removed his hand gently and put the car in gear.  
The atmosphere almost immediately became laced with bitterness and resigned anger.  
He appeased her sense of rejection by squeezing her knee and let his hand settle on her leg for a few seconds. Harry made to move his hand away and she caught it quickly and encaged it in hers in a vice like grip.  
She held their hands tight to her stomach and closed her eyes again.  
Harry in that moment wished her car was an automatic as he fought to shift up gears and steer with one hand. Nikki refused to relinquish it and they continued along their way in an armistice of sorts...until she moved their hands lower and let them settle over the buttons of her jeans.  
Harry maintained a concentrated expression on the tarmac and refused to look at her. Didn't trust himself to look at her. She was grief stricken. Never had he seen her so broken, so unlike herself. And he had to be the one to handle her, care for her. It was like giving an elephant a Ming vase. He was most certainly going to crush her, he was going to put a big clumsy foot somewhere he was sure of it.  
Harry could feel Nikki's frustration building, along with the threat of her temper and he gently pried his hand free and rested it over her heart. He felt her pulse quicken under his touch as his long fingers and palm pressed gently against her breast.  
"How bout I start here first" he said softy but maintained his eyes on the road.  
"Maybe you need to take an alternate road before I let you Harry, maybe there's a few tolls along the way" she said and he caught the bitterness as she made a half hearted attempt to pry his fingers away.  
"Well I always did consider you an expensive kind of woman" he stole a glance and tried to lighten the mood before he fainted from exhaustion.  
"Maybe you can't afford me" she said tracing the nail of her index finger across his hand.  
"I better start saving then" he flashed her his best grin. 'Please laugh for me Nikki' he thought desperately.  
Nikki put him out of his misery and gave a low, throaty laugh. She placed his hand back on the gear stick and smiled an apology.  
"Sorry. It's just-"  
"I know" he said emphatically and the tension evaporated.  
Nikki shifted in her seat when she saw the sign for Sheffield. All their thoughts refocused on Leo.  
They continued the last leg of their journey reminiscing about their old friend. They could almost feel his presence. His disapproving looks which told them to "get on with it".  
Harry and Nikki had a quick lunch in a gastropub before they faced the graveyard and Harry satisfied his craving for bangers and mash.  
" I have to admit Harry I'm a little disturbed at the way you're tackling that sausage" Nikki giggled.  
"Best sausage I've ever had" he said between mouthfuls and she giggled for him again.  
The alcohol felt good in their veins and they lifted their beer bottles and clinked to Leo and to each other.


	12. Chapter 12

They walked hand in hand up the grassy hill, snow whipping in flurries about their faces. Harry stopped in his tracks when he saw the headstone in the near distance, when he noted the newly engraved lettering. It hit him like a kick in the stomach and he could go no further.  
Nikki tugged his hand gently and he held her back.  
"Do you mind if I go up alone for a few moments Nikki?" He asked "Need to talk to him man to man".  
"I'll wait in the car" she said softly and made her way back towards the carpark, leaving Harry still staring at the headstone, the wind upending his longish hair.  
"Should have taken that razor to his head" she mused as she sat in the passenger seat and turned the heating on.  
Harry moved towards the grave and hunkered down, folding his arms across his chest.  
"Better late than never old friend" he whispered bitterly as a single test slipped down his face.  
"I'm so sorry Leo. Life really has a way of kicking you in the arse doesn't it. I let you both down...so badly. I promise Leo Ill look after Nikki, our relationship is a train wreck but you know that and all the blame lies with me. I should have married her years ago. I should be a Dad by now, you should have been Uncle Leo who never in a million years would have been any where near that wretched sandpit. I need your help Leo if you are up there, you must be because I can feel so looking at me with that look...that disapproving Dalton look. I need you to help me fix this. I don't know if she'll ever trust me again...".  
Harry slipped onto his knees, the cold wetness of the earth quickly saturating his jeans.  
Nikki, from the car saw him shuddering and reached for the door handle. She jogged towards him, almost slipping on the icy grass in her heels.  
"Harry!" she cried almost as a reflex as she regained her balance.  
The wind whipped her hair violently about her face. Harry stood, his legs protesting and moved towards her, enveloping her in a desperate embrace. Harry held her and he felt her begin to shake in his arms as she matched his sobs. He felt her knees begin to buckle and held her tightly to him.  
"It's not fair" she cried, almost childlike.  
"I want him back Harry! I want him back!".  
"I do too darling I do too!" He sobbed.  
Harry and Nikki clung to each other in the snow until their coats, now saturated became unbearably uncomfortable. Melted snow ran down the back of their necks and Nikki's teeth began chattering so fiercely it would have been almost comical if the circumstances weren't so awful.  
Harry gripped her hand and directed her towards the car. The doors slammed in unison shutting out the howling wind and the silence inside the vehicle was eerie as the world raged outside. Harry and Nikki felt the car sway under a particularly forceful gust.  
They shrugged out of their coats, Nikki's thin blouse clung to her goose pimpled flesh and she shook. Harry looked at her sympathetically, she had always felt the cold much more than him and he put it down to her South African upbringing. Maybe she just wasn't cut out for the British climate.  
Harry pulled his knitted, navy jumper over his head, leaving him in a baby blue shirt. He placed the jumper in her lap.  
"Here...what are you doing only wearing that filmsy thing anyway?"  
"Sorry Dad" She chattered but gratefully pulled Harry's jumper over her head, his scent filling her nose.  
"I could fit three Nikki's in there" he chuckled.  
"You can barely handle one" She stammered and sat on her hands which were now defrosting painfully.  
"True" he admitted and turned the heating on full blast before he added seriously "I'm quite sure there's only one of you".


	13. Chapter 13

Harry pulled out of the small carpark and squinted through the driving snow which was beginning to pack at the bottom of the windscreen.  
"Tits" he hissed through gritted teeth.  
"Pardon?" Nikki arched an eyebrow and surpressed a giggle.  
The news caster on the radio broke the good news about people becoming trapped in their vehicles on the motorways.  
"What the fu-...it wasn't this bad when we set off" Harry exclaimed incredulously.  
"Oh god, I'm not sitting on the motorway for hours when I'm this wet and cold Harry".  
"Ok what's the plan Dr. Alexander?"  
"Let's get a hotel or something".  
He was slightly taken aback by her suggestion as all manner of scenarios began to present themselves in his head.  
"You sure?"  
"Mmmhmm, why not?. Hot bath and warm bed has to be better than hours on the M1 doesn't it?"  
"You don't need to ask me twice, google some nearby hotels if your fingers are working".  
Nikki worked her painful fingers on her phone.  
"There's a premier inn nearby"  
"Any port, direct me woman" Harry said as he came to a junction "And hurry this prick in the Audi is becoming rather obsessed with my rear end" he said as his eyes locked in the rear view with the driver of the car behind.  
"Hmmm yes the cheek of him in his big luxury car trying to bully us, I always feel those men are over compensating for something" Nikki said wryly.  
Harry threw her a sideways glance "Not all of them. Some of them drive those cars as a mere reflection of their masculine prowess...not this asshole though!" Harry hit the breaks suddenly causing the driver behind to jam on to avoid a collision.  
"Ok Harry I think he gets the point. Please try not to write off my car. Or get us killed"  
Harry took a swift right turn and pulled into a loading bay, the Audi driver accelerated in a rather exaggerated fashion causing his wheels to spin in the slush. He pointedly gave Harry the finger as he passed.  
"Oh charming" Harry muttered and turned to Nikki.  
"Harry please. Just...take it easy...for me. This isn't exactly a walk in the park for me either you know"  
"I know...sorry...here give me your phone"  
"Why?"  
"Just hand it over"  
Nikki did as instructed and Nikki waited for an explanation which didn't come as Harry tapped hurriedly on the screen. Finally he put the phone to his ear.  
"Hello, yes I'd like to book a room...mmmhmmm...what are my options?...oh really?...excellent that sounds good. Yes please...yes...absolutely".  
Nikki raised an eyebrow as he began reeling off his credit card number from memory. Harry Cunningham's mind would always be an enigma to her. I mean what kind of person can recite their credit card details from memory like that?  
He then hung up the phone and handed it back to her without looking at her and spun the car back into the road.  
"Harry where are we going?"  
"Somewhere very nice"  
"Where?"  
"Can't you just sit quietly and wait? We'll be there shortly"  
Nikki opened her mouth to say something then thought better of it and looked out the window. They weren't there any where near shortly. A journey which should have taken ten minutes had taken close to an hour as traffic crawled through the streets of Sheffield.  
They passed a signpost for a well known five star hotel and Nikki groaned inwardly. She could do with a few nights in there, or even a few minutes, if even just to use the bathroom.  
"It probably costs a fiver a wee in there" she murmured to Harry as they approached the hotel.  
"I bloody well hope not" he answered as he pulled the car into the small car park.  
Nikki snapped her head towards him.  
"Harry?"  
"Yes Nikki?"  
"What are you doing?"  
"I believe they call it parking"  
"Here? We're staying here?"  
"Well I am. Haven't you made any arrangements?"  
She smacked him playfully on the arm "Harry this place costs an arm and a leg. They probably charge for the oxygen in the air"  
"Nikki, this has been the shittiest year of my life. I haven't had a holiday in years. I think given everything I can stretch to a fancy hotel. It's not like I do it everyday of the week. We deserve it. Come on, we are wasting time..and money...sitting here in the cold. That shade of blue does nothing for you you know"  
Nikki gave him a peculiar look, a cross between excitement and wariness. She wasn't quite sure her and Harry being snowed in in a luxury hotel given their respective emotional conditions was a very good idea. But god she was so so tired of thinking, of analysing. Her physical needs, food, dry clothes, sleep...sex... were taking priority now to hell with her emotions.  
"Harry" she turned to face him just as they both were about to open the doors. He turned to look at her. He saw everything on her face.  
"We'll be ok" he assured her but she didn't feel like he sounded very convincing.  
The receptionist behind the mahogany desk in the lavish lobby was immaculate in manikin proportions. Her name badge said Isabel and she greeted Harry with a Hollywood smile. Nikki may as well have been his baggage. Well she was really she supposed. In every sense of the word.  
Nikki caught her reflection in a brass panel on the revolving doors. Smudged mascara, deathly white pallor, blue lips, dishevelled hair. Harry's jumper came down to her knees...she looked almost like a homeless person.  
Harry on the other hand wore his dishevellment with characteristic sex appeal. His slim fitting shirt which was now slightly damp and crumpled clung to his body, his hair wild like he had been rolling around on the ground. He was altogether Darcyesque and was of course now flirting outrageously with 'Isabel'.  
Nikki struggled to mask her annoyance, crossing her arms against her chest, turning on her heel away from them and examining her fingernails.  
He turned to her eventually and beckoned towards the lift. "Fifth floor" he announced somewhat excitedly.  
"What's the room number?" She asked and he laughed. "What's so bloody funny?"  
"You'll see in about eleven seconds" he said grinning as the doors closed on them and they ascended through the floors.  
Chopin filtered through the ceiling and the air smelled like fresh linen and magnolias.  
"I do feel like every breath is costing me" he said smiling at Nikki and ran a hand through his hair.  
The lift 'dinged" their arrival and the doors opened. Harry stepped out and punched a code into a pad beside a set of glass doors. The doors clicked and Harry held a door open and allowed Nikki step through.  
"Welcome to the penthouse suite"


	14. Chapter 14

The suite was divided into two floors, a spiral staircase led from the living area complete with fireplace and large flat screen tv to the bedroom which held a king size four poster bed. An oversized, stone, oval shaped bathtub sat close to the foot of the bed.  
"Is that your credit card I hear crying?" Nikki asked as she took in her surroundings.  
The fire had been lit and the bed turned down. She took a chocolate off one of the pillows, unwrapped it and popped it in her mouth. She was ravenous and called down to Harry who was downstairs with his head in the mini bar "Are you going to feed me at all?"  
"Fancy a Jack Daniels and Smirnoff stew?"  
"Maybe for desert"  
"There's a room service menu on the desk down here, go ahead and bankrupt me"  
She smiled and turned on the taps of the bathtub before opening the wardrobe and retrieving an oversized fluffy dressing gown. Nikki pulled Harry's jumper over her head and dropped it down the staircase.  
"Thanks for that" she called as it fell.  
He picked it up off the last step and looked up "is is safe to come up?"  
"I'm naked"  
"I'll be there in a sex, a sec!" He answered laughing.  
"I see your jokes haven't improved any"  
"Nonsense I'm as hilarious as ever. The yanks loved me!"  
"Hmmmm I'm sure they did" Nikki murmured as she poured some luxury bubble bath under the running water. Her mood was quickly improving as she began to defrost. She enjoyed walking around naked knowing that Harry was only feet away.  
"Bring me a drink!" She ordered as she sunk into the tub.  
"What would you like?"  
"What's the most expensive?"  
Nikki heard a pop then the sound of some kind of projectile hitting the wall followed by Harry cursing.  
She heard his footsteps on the stairs and saw the top of his head from her elevated position in the tub.  
"Is it safe?"  
"I have some strategically placed bubbles" she murmured and slicked her hair back.  
Harry stood over the bath and smiled down at her not bothering to disguise his appraisal of her. The bubbles were only slightly strategically placed, covering her nipples but leaving her breasts on full show.  
He swallowed and handed her the glass of champagne. She took in his drenched jeans.  
He nodded sadly "I have to go wring these out, there's at least two glasses worth on here" and she giggled before placing the glass to her lips which had returned to their original rosy hue.  
"You look a lot better" he said and perched himself on the edge of the bath.  
"I feel it" she answered staring into his eyes, her heart rate increasing ever so slightly.  
She was surprised at how at ease she felt under his roving eye. Maybe they were beyond the awkward now. She most certainly did not have the energy for awkward. They had known each other too long, been away from each other too long, too much had happened for the triviality of awkward.  
She had missed him so so much, felt his absence so keenly each day that she basked in his attention now. She knew he had her head, her heart...she needed him to see her body. To show him her body. To show him it was his and no one else's. That it could never be anyone else's.  
She bent her leg and her knee appeared out of the bubbles as she sat up slightly, the bubbles shifted down her stomach and she was clearly fully visible to him now from the waist up.  
They continued their small talk as if this was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.  
"What would you like to eat?" He asked as he noted the curve of each breast, the shape and colour of her nipples. Committing all details to memory.  
"What have they got?"  
"Anything you'd like I suspect. I'll fetch the menu shall I?"  
"Mmmhmmm, good idea"  
Nikki sipped the champagne, savouring the cool, tarte liquid as the bubbles evaporated on her tongue. She watched Harry descend the stairs and admired the broad expanse of his back and shoulders.  
He returned moments later with the menu and recited it to her.  
"Will you order me the fillet steak with a side of garlic mushrooms?, I have to take a shower, I'm pretty sure pneumonia is developing in my right lung".  
Harry handed her the menu as she still couldn't decide and began unbuttoning his shirt.  
Nikki tried to focus on the menu but couldn't help raising her head as he dropped the shirt to the floor.  
His eyes locked with her's as he undid his belt buckle and shuffled out of his jeans.  
He stood before her in a pair of white boxers.  
"Do you own any other types of underwear?" She asked giggling, she had only ever seen him in white, jockey style boxers.  
"That's for me to know and you to wonder about Alexander" he winked and padded into the bathroom. The door closed and she heard water running moments later.  
Nikki reached for her glass and closed her eyes. She didn't fight the images that slipped into her mind.  
The hot water, alcohol and lack of food soon bore their effects on her as Nikki began to feel lightheaded. She slipped out of the bath and into the oversized bathrobe and ordered the room service. Nikki brushed out her hair in front of the fire before catching it in a messy bun. She settled into the sofa and closed her eyes.  
The sharp rap on the door minutes later snapped her from her reverie. A young porter stood on the other side of the door with their food and Nikki allowed him into the room.  
"There you are madam" he said shyly and scurried out, his cheeks flushed.  
Harry appeared on the stairs "Smells great. I'm famished!".


	15. Chapter 15

"Oi!" Harry batted Nikki's hand away playfully as she made a stab with her fork for another of his garlic mushrooms.  
"You're not one for sharing are you?"  
"Nope"  
Harry took a sip of champagne and sat back against the couch.  
"This is nice, you, me, dressing gowns, champagne, we are like two geriatrics in a very fancy retirement home"  
Nikki stared into the fire "I'll be committed to some place soon I'm sure of it". She sighed and downed the last of the champagne.  
"Have we polished off the whole bottle already?" She asked looking back to Harry.  
"Well half of it is in my trousers"  
"You have drunken jeans"  
"Yes and I won't be held responsible for their actions"  
He bumped her shoulder and she giggled, her eyes crinkling. He loved the way she looked without makeup.  
Nikki took a bite of her chicken "Harry this place is incredible, thank you".  
"It's the very least I could do. Put you up in some nice digs, try and put some weight on you. You're really thin Nikki, I'm worried about you".  
"I haven't had much of an appetite these last few weeks, ill be ok Harry. You know what they say, you can never be too rich or too thin".  
He stared at her "I never liked that stupid expression".  
"You've lost weight too Harry"  
"I know. Don't worry I'm going to make a good stab at eating my body weight in food at this place. The food is amazing you have to admit".  
She nodded and took another bite of chicken. "It is amazing".  
"Can I try some of yours since you've been stealing mine?" He nodded at her plate.  
She prodded a piece of meat and held it to his lips. He opened his mouth and took the fork.  
"Wow"  
"I know"  
They laughed at themselves and their little show of coupledom.  
Nikki couldn't prevent the yawn that escaped her mouth when they stopped laughing.  
"Where's the giant elephant going to sleep?" Harry asked softly.  
"There's no room in here for giant elephants. There's plenty for you and me though. We are grown up enough to share a bed aren't we? We're not teenagers, not by a long shot".  
"Well I just hope you can restrain yourself that's all. I'm pretty fit you know" he said throwing his head back dramatically.  
"And what if I can't?" She challenged playfully and leaned forward, knowing full well that her dressing gown would fall open slightly.  
"Why do I feel like you're constantly setting me tests and I'm failing terribly?" He asked setting his glass down, he was unable to keep the hurt from his voice.  
"What do you want Nikki? Is this a good time to even think about what you want with everything that's happened? Don't you want to take some time?".  
"What do you want Harry? Do you want me? Because you never really did before did you? Not really..."  
"Nikki of course I want you, I've always wanted you, I just never knew how to go about getting you and then it seemed like we had missed our moment. I had to make a choice"  
"And you chose America"  
His head fell "I made a decision. Albeit the wrong one. At the time I thought it was for the best. Nikki, I can't undo this, you have to forgive me some time".  
"You broke my heart Harry"  
"And you broke mine" he whispered "Over and over until I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take getting so close then...nothing. It was torture Nikki".  
"I have been placing the blame squarely on your shoulders. I haven't acknowledged my part in this at all. I've been a coward Harry. A proper coward. The two of us messed this up Harry. We both blew it". She tightened the belt on the dressing gown and sat back, tucking her legs beneath her.  
"I don't hear any singing do you? And there's definitely no fat lady's in here. Unless there's one under that massive bed...what a frightening thought. Maybe she'll jump out at bedtime and force us to preform all kinds of sexual favours".  
"Why have you always done that?" She asked, her eyes narrowing in frustration.  
"Why have you always made a laugh of everything? It's impossible to have a proper conversation with you"  
"It's only with you y'know"  
"I know...you need to let go Harry...let me in...let me in properly...because I'm not going to survive this if you don't".  
"I'm terrified. That's why I never slept with you. Making love to you Nikki...I-"  
"You need to take a saw to that pedestal you have me on Harry. What makes me so different to any other woman you've slept with?". She wasn't fishing for compliments she needed the truth.  
"Everything"  
"Everything."  
"You are me Nikki. No matter where I go, what i do, you are there, I feel you everywhere. I carry you with me. I've wanted to loose myself in you so many times...but that's the problem I would absolutely loose my mind"  
"Why is that such a bad thing?"  
"I'm not husband material. I'm...I wouldn't be...I'd be a terrible father Nikki. I've never wanted children. I've always been terrified of becoming a dad-"  
"Of become your Dad! Harry you're not your father!"  
"He chose death over being with me Nikki. That's how worthless I was"  
"Harry, Harry listen to yourself. You're a doctor. A medical professional. You know what depression can do to people. You're father killing himself was nothing to do with you".  
"I am him Nikki. You know me. You know my temper. You know my moods. Nikki...six months before I moved to New York I started taking anti depressants".  
She stared at him for a few moments "So?, you think I'll run a mile because you are admitting you werent coping very well?"  
"I'm still taking them"  
"So you didnt think i could handle the true version of you? That I wouldn't want the real Harry? That I'm only interested in the joker? The cad?"  
"We hadnt moved forward and I was stuck. So stuck. Leo was driving me mad. When I saw him unravelling...I saw myself...in the future...hurting you like he hurt Janet"  
"Harry I think he and Janet had just ran their course. Leo was in love when he died. He was happy...It's funny isn't it? Leo must have only known that woman five minutes and he had invited her back to England"  
Harry raised an eyebrow in shock and Nikki realising his ignorance recounted the story.  
When she was finished Harry continued to stare into the fire.  
"Leo appreciated that we can't take time for granted" Nikki said softly "He'd found that out in the most dreadful of ways".  
Harry's eyes had watered and he stood quickly and fetched a bottle of water from the mini bar, happy to be away from the heat of the fire and Nikki's gaze.  
He took a long drink from the bottle and turned back to face her.  
"Those days I spent with you pushed me to the limit" he began "I didn't have a very happy childhood Nikki, you know that, the house, to this day I hate it. It never felt like home to me, I was always on edge, tip toeing around as not to disturb dad, suffering his rage when he was disturbed. I never had any peace, never felt at ease. Then we he died...I was still tiptoeing like he was still in study. I was so happy living with you, it felt like a proper home. I felt safe, warm...it was like...you...it was like we were together. Almost. I saw what our lives could be like and I saw me wrecking it. Destroying you"  
"Harry" Nikki began through sobs "You had us written off before we had a chance to begin and we both ended up miserable anyway".  
He nodded and a tear slipped down his unshaven face. He began pacing with his hands on his hips, this was never a good sign and she begged him to sit down beside her.  
His hands rubbed at his face "I'm so tired" he whispered.  
"Let's go to bed" she said rising from the couch. She made her way towards him slowly and held out her hand.  
"We both need sleep"  
His fingertips grazed hers and she caught them tightly. Nikki led him to the stairs. It would have been erotic if they both weren't silently crying.


	16. Chapter 16

It was more than a little strange for them both, climbing into the same bed in a fancy hotel room while balling their eyes out. Nikkis mind shot back to Budapest and she wondered if Harry was thinking the same thing. He picked the chocolate off the pillow and snorted.  
"I don't know if I'll ever be able to properly enjoy a hotel room with you Niks, it seems we are always in the midst of some emotional crisis or tragedy when we stay in one"  
"Oh come on that's not true" she said turning to face him "remember the conference in Stockholm?"  
Harry chuckled "What you did to me over those two days was a violation of my human rights, you really are a terrible tease".  
"I was convinced you were going to finally kiss me".  
They were inches apart, both propped up on their elbows, still swaddled in their geriatric dressing gowns.  
Harry sighed "I wanted to..so badly".  
Nikki smiled "That's good to know. I thought you were too taken with all the Swedish competition that was lurking about. Their perfection is completely unfair on the rest of us"  
Harry laughed "Nikki, will you just look in that mirror over there. You do know how ridiculously beautiful you are don't you?".  
Nikki cast her eyes downward, suddenly shy and unable to meet his gaze.  
"You're trying to get me into bed aren't you?" She said softly and raised an eyebrow at him.  
Harry groaned "Leave the witty jokes to me please, I'm serious, I've never told you before how bloody gorgeous you are...I should have".  
She stared at him and smiled, a multitude of things to say ran through her mind but she found herself saying nothing. She watched him staring at her for a while before one thought became her main focus and an impulse took hold of her which she could not relinquish. She really shouldn't have had so much champagne but Nikki knew that even if she was stone cold sober she would do this. Because it was right.  
Nikki swallowed and lifted herself slowly into a sitting position on the bed, throwing the duvet back. She rose onto her knees and opened the belt on the dressing gown before slipping it down off each shoulder. Her eyes never left Harry's "I'm all yours Harry, I always have been" she whispered.  
Harry rose from his elbow and sat back drinking her in. She had literally taken his breath away and he found himself now paralysed. She was all soft curves and creamy skin, utter perfection.  
"I know tonight is not the right time but I need to feel your skin on mine, to feel you Harry, I need to be close".  
Harry shrugged his dressing gown off and pulled her into his arms. The sensation of her soft skin against his almost brought the tears back to his eyes and they gripped each other tightly.  
"I've missed you so so much" Harry breathed into her neck, the faint trace of her perfume still on her skin "Christ I've missed you everyday for eight years".  
The light covering of hair on Harry's chest provided delicious friction and Nikki groaned, hooking a leg over his. She felt him against her thigh and sighed, pressing her cheek against his.  
"I want so you much" he whispered, brushing her hair off her face.  
"You've got me" she answered and settled down against his chest. His rough fingertips danced up her arms and he pressed a kiss to her hair.  
Harry's heartbeat and the slow stroking of her hair between his fingers lulled her quickly into a deep sleep. Her mind finally finding peace at last. Sleep had conquered desire but she had needed this intimacy, needed his flesh on hers. Needed his scent in her nose. As she drifted off she knew she would never be able to fall asleep without it again. During the years of their friendship she had often slept with it and had taken it for granted, failed to recognise its significance, it's importance, ignored its signal to her subconscious. Harry's t shirts, Harry's jumpers, the lingering trace of it she found in the office when he had arrived in before her. It was on the cushions on her couch, on the towels in her bathroom. It had stayed for months after his departure. Until James.  
She should have known straight away. The smell was all wrong.  
Harry was suffering. In the most exquisite way.  
"I'll have you before The Hague yet" he murmured very quietly into her hair and shifted his hips slightly away from her so her lower body settled on the mattress. He swore he felt her smile against his chest as she moved her knee back over his hip. Harry groaned inwardly and prayed for sleep to come.  
He didn't how long he had been sleeping when he woke but he felt an energy he hadn't felt in years surging through his veins. The champagne had now completely worn off and he felt surprisingly clear headed and strangey focused. Focused on the slender fingers that were tracing their way down his stomach. They finished their journey on his hip and in a move that knocked the breath out her, Harry flipped her onto her back beneath him.  
In an instant his lips were against hers, their tongues sliding together so blissfully that it elicited a low moan from Nikki's throat. The sound was too much for Harry and within moments he was inside her. It was an urgent, sweaty blur that lasted all of five minutes but left them both exhausted, physically and emotionally.  
They showered together, Nikki in pure delight realising that soap and Harry's hands made a delicious combination on her skin.  
Endorphins surged through their veins and instead of elation they found something infinitely better. More durable. Peace.


End file.
